Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Hooker at Breakfast

Since I have been staying down in Florida, I have had plenty of opportunities to engage in one of my favorite pastimes.  People Watching.   Put me in a crowded restaurant or mall and I'll be completely happy for hours.  I've always heard simple minds are easily occupied. 

My baby brother, Dan and I were having breakfast this week. About the time the hostess showed us to our seats, in comes a couple that looked totally out of place for a breakfast joint, prior to 8:00 am. (Dan had on work- out clothes, and I had on what I had slept in, a pair of capri stretch pants, a t-shirt with built in bra, a cap, and sunglasses. I'm still working that 'out of town and don't know many people' angle). The woman wore high stiletto heels, that could have used some polishing, a mini skirt from the 70's, which was about 6" below where I guessed her pubic hair would have stopped, as we age, everything drops and gets lower, a low cut shirt, showing way too much cleavage for morning time, (all of you girls remember the line from 'Gone With The Wind' about showing bosoms before lunch), Tammy Faye Bakker eye make-up from the night before, a fresh coat of pink gloss lipstick. I have one 'cast in stone' rule about lipstick, if it ain't red; you have wasted your money. Her hair was over processed and of an indescribable color. I can be quickly criticized for not dressing my age, her outfit made my closet look like that of a Victorian widow. Her entire demeanor screamed 'Hire me by the hour'. One thing about hookers, unless they're between mid teens to about 23, they all look the same (I watch a lot of late night TV). This old girl was a rough 60, if she was a day.

In the genre' of prostitution, I would call her  the 'Flea Market' variety, with Dollar Store, Wal-mart, Belk’s, Macy's, Saks, Neiman Marcus, etc being the advancing standard.  Dan and I, along with everyone else in our section, started staring at this couple.  Her companion was hanging onto every word she said, she was using graphic hand motions, waving her hands slightly above her head. You get the picture. 

Since it was the day after the space shuttle had been launched, Dan speculated that she was explaining all the necessary thrust needed to get the rocket off the pad and up in the air. "Who are you kidding" I said. "The only thing she has had in the air lately has been her ankles, and I'll wager the only kind of thrust she knows about is pelvic thrust".

All of a sudden, Dan get's all pious and says "for all we know, they have been married 40 years".  "Married people don't have that much to talk about" I said.
 "You're right" he said and quickly overcame his bout of pious.

It was like watching a car wreck, totally addictive. 

When the mystery couple got up and started to leave, she smiled and said "Good Morning" to all of us who had been staring at them, we were up to about 15 by then.

The very fact that she acknowledged us at all bears witness to what my brother, Ted, has always said. “I’ve never known an old whore that wasn't just as friendly as she could be".  Who am I to dispute, which I am reasonably sure is a well documented fact. It makes perfect sense, how are you going to sell anything without a positive outlook and a fine appreciation for your product, be it apples or ass. It's always a 'buyer's market' somewhere.

She was obviously smarter than most of us, in a cash- only business, where the customer always leaves happy. Nobody can bring back the product and try to return it.  I would assume it was a form of 'ménage' de trios' sex. The guy and the Federal government both get screwed. I'm be willing to bet no tax return is filed, and if she did, would she use a sliding scale to 'decrease the value' of her assets?  Since there is no paper trail, is her 'carbon footprint' less than ours?  If it's smarter to sit down than stand up, and lay down instead of sitting down, who is the dumbass now? No one I know has a job where you can lie down at work. Jethro Bodine was the only person I knew who has ever had a job as a mattress tester. 

I don't want to appear judgemental. I have friends from all walks of life.  Bartenders, bank presidents, doctors, lawyers, short order cooks, professional athletes, hair stylist, designers, drag queens, Senators, psychics, housekeepers, realtors, Congressmen, car salesmen, plumbers, painters, published authors, movie stars (jack walker) notary publics, retirees, waitresses, mechanics, ex-governors, and a few ex-cons, businessmen and bull shirt artist.  I love them every one. To my knowledge, I don't have any friends that apply the world's oldest profession, but I do have several who are self-proclaimed sluts. One of them is quick to say 'you have to decide if you're doing it for them, or doing it to 'em'.  Food for the thought.

Stay tuned, same time, same station.